Mid-year movie breakdown

I watch a lot of movies but I don't actually go to the movies. The wonderful invention known as Netflix has taken over my life. In fact, my internet browser opens up to the wonderous website every day. I must need movies!! (my need for movies supersedes my need for proper English and sentence structure. Yes, it is serious). I keep track of every movie that I watch in a long, obsessive compulsive list. As we have reached the halfway mark of '09, I will share some interesting tidbits about said list. Here we go:

The list consists of 176 titles.
The month I watched the most movies in was January with an astonishing 42 titles.
The month I watched the least movies in was June with only 16 titles.

Breakdown by decade:
1910-1919: 0
1920-1929: 4
1930-1939: 4
1940-1949: 15
1950-1959: 21
1960-1969: 29
1970-1979: 47
1980-1989: 14
1990-1999: 9
2000-2009: 33

Breakdown by genre (try to keep it as basic as possible):
Action: 28
Comedy: 15
Documentary: 6
Drama: 40
Horror: 35
Mystery/Thriller: 17
Science Fiction: 28
Western: 7

68 of the movies were made outside the United States.
16 of the movies have won an Academy Award.
27 of the movies have had Criterion releases.

The actor most represented on the list is Toshiro Mifune with 5 appearances. Tied for second place is William Holden and Vincent Price with 4 appearances each. (I had to stop figuring this out because it was driving me crazy, but I am pretty sure it is right).

The strangest movie on the list, for my money, is Valerie and her Week of Wonders. Made by a crazy Czech guy named Jaromil Jires in 1970.

This list, and all this info, is the clearest indication that I have absolutely no fucking life. I plan on continuing this trend throughout the year though. I want to see how many movies I can cram into a year. Stay tuned for December when I will present an end-of-year Movie Mash-up, compiling all the movies for '09 for your reading pleasure. I know you are just as excited as I am.

Happy movie watching!!!

Categorized Fear

Here's a fun website: The Phobia List!

Mental scientists feel the need to name every little particular fear or anxiety. You feel anxious about one tiny thing, tell this egghead who you pay $100 a minute to listen to you whine, and BAM! you have a disease which now allows you to be prescribed drugs. Glorious, glorious drugs! Now, there are people out there who have legitimate paralyzing fears. But what science has done, by categorizing all these fears, lets people who aren't very sick to exploit the system. "I'm afraid of cheese because my mom didn't love me enough!" Here, have some Prozac.

So, I've gone through the list and actually picked one from each letter. FEAR A-Z!! At some point in my life, I've had these:

Automatonophobia - fear of anything that falsely represents a sentient being.
How appropriate for this list!! I mostly fear the POTENTIAL that a robot could have. Such overwhelming power at their fingertips is quite terrifying. And if I've learned anything from the countless science fiction movies/novels I've taken in, one small glitch and it's all over for humanity.

Bogeyphobia - fear of bogeys or bogeymen.
Seriously, what kid wasn't afraid of the bogeyman. If you say you weren't then you are fucking lying. It's pretty much a natural thing for a kid; it's part of growing up. Also, I don't know if bogeys here means boogers or snot. Either or though, I don't want any of that shit on me.

Cypridophobia - fear of prostitutes.
Really, it's not what's on the outside that counts, it's what's on the inside. A lady of the evening could be the prettiest girl you ever did lay your eyes on, but her insides could look like the frog you dissected in Biology class. I get chills just thinking about it.

Dementophobia - fear of insanity.
I'm not necessarily afraid of insane people. I think they can sometimes be funny, especially when they are raving or when they have shit their pants. I was always more afraid of losing my own sanity. But, seeing as I have already become a deranged lunatic, I think I can cross this one off the list.

Enochlophobia - fear of crowds.
A great deal of this fear revolves around the utter stupidity people can exhibit when part of a crowd. Once that mob mentality takes over, I want to be as far away from them as possible. Plus, people in general piss me off, so A LOT of people all congregating in one place makes me want to seal myself in a portable toilet.

Francophobia - fear of France or French culture.
A lot of people don't know this, but most French women don't have vaginas. They actually have another mouth between their legs. A mouth filled with razor sharp teeth. Truly frightening.

Gelotophobia - fear of being laughed at.
I didn't think this was so bad until I saw the movie Carrie. For those of you who haven't, Carrie's mother famously warns her daughter that all the students at the prom are going to laugh at her (presumably because of her 'dirty pillows'). She makes a very convincing argument.

Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia - fear of long words.
The most ironic of all the fears. It took me two days to write this word. Each letter got progressively scarier.

Iatrophobia - fear of going to the doctors or doctors in general.
I am not so much afraid of going to the doctors as I am afraid of having my balls touched in a clinical manner. It's just so cold and unfriendly.

Japanophobia - fear of Japanese.
Mainly Godzilla. And Rodan.

Kynophobia - fear of stooping.
I usually go right from standing to kneeling. No in between for me please.

Leprophobia - fear of leprosy.
Specifically people with leprosy. I'm not so much afraid of the actual disease though. Lepers are the closest thing to zombies the world has seen.

Menophobia - fear of menstruation.
It attracts bears.

Neophobia - fear of anything new.
I only listen to a grammaphone and watch movies made pre-1910. I also have only ever owned one pair of shoes.

Ophidiophobia - fear of snakes.
According to my religion, snakes are Satan's pets. My religion also states that hats of any kind are meant only for prostitutes and that you can only sit in a chair if you are wearing three or more pairs of socks.

Phobophobia - fear of phobias.
Seriously?? This can't be a real thing. It's like some insane paradox that causes your brain to eat itself.

Quintoculophobia - fear of things with five or more eyes.
I had to make this one up because there are no 'Q' phobias. I'm talking mainly about mythical beasts like Argus, the 100-eyed watchman of Io in Greek mythology. If I encountered anything with five eyes, my instincts would be to run or to murder its face.

Radiophobia - fear of radiation/x-rays.
This shit will give you cancer. FACT. Also, radiation turned tons of harmless laboratory pets into giant city-eating monsters. The last thing I or anyone else needs right now is a fifty foot guinea pig that breathes fire.

Scabiophobia - fear of scabies.
I don't know what scabies are. But I am absolutely terrified of the unknown. I am afraid of what this phobia represents.

Tachophobia - fear of speed.
I have never once felt the need for speed. I don't want to be involved with the drug speed. I have a natural aversion to Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock.

Urophobia - fear of urine or urinating.
I don't want to be peed on ever by either myself or another person. The act of peeing into a cup gives me tingles in my spine. The bad kind of tingles.

Venustraphobia - fear of beautiful women.
The most beautiful of women will rip your heart out through your ass and then cook it and force you to eat it. Then she will take your genitals and shove a barbed metal rod down your pee hole. Then as you lay there dying, she will take a shit on you and wipe her ass with your face. You won't even find this stuff in the scariest of horror films.

Walloonphobia - fear of the Walloons.
Well, it was either this or fear of witchcraft. I haven't the slightest idea what a walloon is, let alone why it should be capitalized.

Xenophobia - fear of foreigners.
Lousy, French, cheese-eating, surrender monkeys!

Yambonophobia - fear of starting something that you have no intention of finishing.
I had to make this one up because there are no 'Y' entries. I realize now that this was a terrible idea and hate myself for actually finishing it.

Zemmiphobia - fear of the great mole rat.
Based in my fear of oxymorons.

Ugh, that was terribly boring for me, and probably for you. The point is, I am marginalizing these silly fears because you should just grow up and get a life. END.

I'm A Well-Cultured Human

We here at The Robot's Mustache (by we, I mean me, and by The Robot's Mustache, I mean the middle bedroom in my parents' suburban home) enjoy the visual arts. And if those visual arts happen to involve robots, well they are the best of all possible arts. I present to you Eric Joyner, robot artist extraordinaire! Here are some of his works:

He also has a book! BUY NOW!!
He also has a website! VISIT NOW!!

I find his work very, very enjoyable. Also a great insight into what it will look when robots and humans (and donuts) live together.

Why I Want to Vomit When I Watch the Movie Polar Express

Oh, yes! The delightful holiday movie Polar Express! A movie that reminds us of our younger years, when we irrationally believed in an overweight pervert who sneaks into homes and leaves us presents but steals the remote control and then your dad blames you for it being gone after he's had a bit too much eggnog and his favorite local sports team lost the big game. Simpler times, when you could sit back, put your feet up, bask in the warm glow of a fire, and be content with life.

WRONG.

Polar Express is a movie that is so repulsive, I have to leave any room in which it is on or I will start projectile vomiting all over the drapes. It's not due to the subject matter. I have very fond memories of the Christmases of my youth. My family didn't bask in any fires (except for the great tree fires of '87, '92, and '96), but we were able to not strangle each other for about a week and remember that it would not be a good idea to kill one another. After that week, it was promptly back to the strangling.

No, The Polar Express movie, or should I say, vomit party, is so very disgusting because of a little robotic theory called "The Uncanny Valley." I will present to you this graph to make myself look smart: The basic premise is as follows: as something becomes more and more like a human, the natural emotional response is to empathize with said thing. Example: a bear in a top hat. A-DOR-ABLE!!! You see, it's a bear but it is wearing HUMAN clothes!! How cute! The more a bear starts acting like a human, the more we will enjoy it's crazy, picnic basket-stealing antics. However, there is a point where the bear becomes so close to being human, almost indistinguishable, that the minor imperfections that are present make us want to either rise up and slay the bear, or eat our own eyeballs in disgust. This phenomena is called the Uncanny Valley (the point where the graph dips to its lowest point).

You are thinking, "When will a bear ever become so much like a human in real life?" And I would say out loud to this thought, "You are right, I am an idiot for using a bear as an example. Allow me to rectify this by continuing with a better scenario." Then you think to yourself, "How in the world did this crazy know what I was thinking?!??!?" And then I say, "Because I can read your mind a-hole. You shouldn't say bad things about a crazy telepath, it will only lead to trouble. FOR YOU." And then you sit quietly with your hands folded in your lap, prepared to listen further.

The Uncanny Valley really comes into play when we are dealing with humanoid figures, particularly robots, or in the case of the cinematic abortion Polar Express, realistic 3D computer animation. Let's reference the graph to understand this better.

1. Far left, Industrial Robot: perhaps something you would see in a car factory. It has movable joints, grabbers that might resemble hands, and it can do work a human used to do, but was fired because he was too inefficient. Familiarity and likeness, close to zero.

2. Middle, humanoid robot: as we slide up the graph, the robots become more human in shape and appearance. Arms and legs, torso, head. They can speak and walk like humans, but clearly still not alive. Imagine C-3PO from Star Wars or Robbie from Forbidden Planet or that nice servant robot from The Jetsons. They all have weaseled their robot asses into pop culture as fun characters that we cherish. We empathize with them.

3. The high point: This is the closest something can get to resembling a human before the roller coaster of death. We can still distinguish the robot as non-human, but it is a damn fine replica.

4. The Uncanny Valley, zombie: KILL IT!!!! KILL IT WITH FIRE!!!!!!!!!!

5. On the upswing, the Bunraku puppet: "What is a bunraku puppet?" you ask. Well, it's an evil Japanese puppet that will kill your family in their sleep if you don't shut your piehole.

6. The tippy-top, a healthy human: A robot at this point would be completely indistinguishable from you or I (except maybe you in the corner over there, you've got robotish features). Imagine Rutger Hauer running through town causing all sorts of robot havoc and no one knows he is a robot unless Harrison Ford gives him an emotional test.

I'd say Tom Hanks in Polar Express falls somewhere on the downslope towards the uncanny valley. Enough to make you puke your lunch or permanently blind yourself but not quite the level of the overwhelming fear and disgust you would get from seeing a zombie (I myself am impervious to the emotional effects of zombification because I am fully trained in zombie survival. I speak only of the reaction of the common folk).

So yes, The Polar Express animation is just way too creepy to be enjoyable and has probably ruined thousands of Christmases for thousands of little kids. But the really interesting part about the Uncanny Valley is how it will unfold through future robot development. Those crazy Japanese have already created a robot that is teaching in the classroom that looks way too human for my liking:
Meet Saya. Yuck.
What I am really interested in is the point in the future, where all robots are approaching the precipice of this Uncanny Valley. They are as close to it as you possibly can get and all it will take is one tiny tweak, one small development in their appearance and they will all plunge into the dark, expansive abyss. I look forward to that day, because it is my dream to see an entire country, NAY, the entire world, spontaneously vomit all over their drapes at home.

I predict it will happen right before the Zombocalypse. I hope to be alive to see both.




*DISCLAIMER: I am just a lunatic with a computer. I know nothing about the details of robotic study. Do not take any of this is science fact.*

The End of Days is Near

Here is an ominous little article:

http://www.fastcompany.com/blog/cliff-kuang/design-innovation/eatr-robot-thatll-forage-its-own-food

That's right people, flesh-eating robots. They have chainsaws on them fer Chrissakes!! Now, follow up that article with this one:

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/07/26/science/26robot.html?_r=1

Robots to soon outsmart men.

So now imagine this nightmare scenario:
We've got robots, equipped with chainsaws and an insatiable desire for organic material (read: human flesh), who have far surpassed their creators in intelligence and overall capabilities and have developed quite a nasty Frankenstein Complex. Now they can create more robots on their own, and the next thing we know, FUCKING ROBOT APOCALYPSE! You are asking yourself, "Hey, didn't I read a very similar story in Isaac Asimov's ground-breaking novel I, Robot?" Yes, oh kind and knowledgeable reader, you did. Specifically, in the story "The Evitable Conflict." For any reader who may be ignorant of this story, allow me to recap:

Robots experience a minor glitch in their functionality that causes them to slightly alter their interpretation of the First Law of Robotics. As a reminder, the laws of robotics are as follows:

1. A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.
2. A robot must obey any orders given to it by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.
3. A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Laws.

Overall, the rules are in place to make sure any robots won't go apeshit and try to go on a killing spree, subjugating the entire human race. Well, these fancypants robots start glitching up a storm and come to the conclusion that the best way for them to protect humanity is to take absolute control. Well, the humans really fucked up on this one!! It is a perfect example of going too far with technology.

This science fiction now has the potential to become science fact. I just hope the robot wizards out there in Scienceland work out all the kinks and put the Laws in place before they unleash these inorganic bastards on the rest of the world. If Asimov has taught us anything, it's that one little glitch can cause a giant fuck bomb for the rest of us, and it won't be the kind of fuck bomb that happens in the bedroom and is fun and exciting for all participants. It will be the bad kind of fuck bomb where peoples' heads start becoming detached from their bodies.

Don't say you haven't been warned.