I am tired of all these thieve's!!!!

Gotta love the south. JESUS IS OUR LORD AND SAVIOR!! ALL YOU HOMO'S, DRUGGIES, GANGSTER'S, FEMINIST'S, MORMON'S, BUDDHIST'S, DRUNKARD'S, BAHI'S, CATHOLIC'S, WIFEBEATER'S, ATHEIST'S, NEW AGER'S, DEMOCRAT'S, ENVIRONMENTALIST'S, P.K'S, ABORTIONIST'S, EFFEMINATE MEN, RACIST'S, SCIENTOLOGIST'S, EMO'S, GOVERNMENT RECIPIENT'S, ADULTERER'S, FORNICATOR'S, THIEVE'S, GAMBLER'S, MUSLIM'S, JEHOVAH'S WITNESS'S, PERVERT'S, IDOLATOR'S, PAGAN'S, LOUD MOUTH WOMEN, AGNOSTIC'S, LIAR'S, FREELOADER'S, LIBERAL'S, HIGH FULLUTENT SOPHISTICATED SWINE, AND SPORT'S NUT'S HAVE GOT TO GO!!!!!!

This is the funniest thing I have seen in over a month.

REVIEW: Sympathy for the Underdog (Fukasaku, 1971)

The film tells the story of Gunji, an aging gangster just released from a ten year stint in prison. Through a flashback it is soon revealed why he went there: he had burst into a rival gang's hangout, guns blazing, and nearly took the whole gang out. Now that he is out of prison, he collects what's rest of his old gang to once again establish himself as a force in the underworld. But things have changed, turf is harder to come by in Yokahama, and a previous ally is firmly set in place where Gunji once ruled. So, Gunji and his six gang members relocate to the American-occupied island of Okinawa, where the yakuza presence is not as strong. Starting with the small-time whiskey trade, Gunji's gang soon makes a name for itself as a tough-as-nails fighting unit that is a formidable opponent of gangs that are much larger. As their influence grows, so does the outside pressure of larger rival gangs until finally, their old enemies from Yokahama march into town to take things over. All this conflict builds up to a bloody climax at the end of the film.

One of the things I picked up on early in the film is influence, the influence other films had on Fukasaku as he made this film, and the influence this film had on others that would follow it. The film reminded me of some of the film-noir and crime films of the 30s and 40s. Most of the story is told through the eyes of Gunji, using voice-over narration throughout. Also, there is practically no police presence in the film, leaving the gangs completely to their own devices. If there is any single film that influenced Fukasaku during the making of Sympathy, it is Sam Peckinpah's The Wild Bunch. A great deal of the story points are similar: a group of aging outlaws are still trying to make their living while facing a bigger, stronger opponent. They eventually decide to defend their honor and go out swinging in a final bloodbath; the parallels between the end scenes of both these movies is evident. This film is a very clear influence on Quentin Tarantino. A lot of the stylistic choices, quick freeze frames, soundtrack, and use of on-screen lettering, can be seen quite a bit in Tarantino's work (I'm not implying that this is the only source of influence for Tarantino, as he draws a lot of things from many different genres, but this certainly had to have some effect on him). I think the same can be said for a lot of Guy Ritchie's work as well, and perhaps even Chan-Wook Park's Sympathy for Lady Vengeance, which begins with the central character just being released from prison and searching for retribution for things done in the past.

Despite all this influence on both ends of the spectrum, Sympathy for the Underdog prominently stands alone as a unique and awesome film. Koji Tsuruta as the main character Gunji is a total badass, one who would rival Eastwood's Man With No Name as a fiercely intense, yet completely calm gunslinger. The dynamic of Gunji's gang is very interesting. Fukasaku manages to establish unique character traits for each of them so that they function as a unit, a tight-knit family. The family bond is furthered through calling each other "brother," a term not widely used by the other gangs who are more focused on profits and extending their reach than protecting their own. I generally stray away from most action films, especially the modern crap that is put out now, because they are all about bigger explosions and more insane stunts while completely ignoring decent plot and character development. Underdog certainly doesn't lack in the action and violence category; the end scene alone is enough to put it in the ranks of some of the best. The film also creates dynamic and interesting characters, making it a much more solid and well-rounded film than a lot of other action films out there.

I really have no complaints about the film, but there are two things about it that I could see potentially scaring off a less committed viewer. First off, the film is VERY 70s. From the soundtrack to a lot of the club scenes, you can just tell that it was made during that time. Some people may find that annoying, but I thought it was very interesting. I am acclimated to American 70s cinema, but rarely get a glimpse into the time in other countries. This films was especially interesting because it focuses on an area of Japan still occupied by American forces. The main characters are Japanese, but this does not feel entirely like a Japanese film. There are minor white and black characters, along with the native Okinawans, who seem to be almost a different race to the mainland Japanese. Another point that might scare people away is you really have to pay attention to the film. There are a lot of characters introduced in the first 15-20 minutes of the film. Add that to following along with the subtitles (if you watch any foreign movie dubbed, just leave now), and the film can sometimes get confusing. Do not expect to just pop this on and turn off your brain for some mindless action. You are going to have to work to follow this one, and if you are not prepared to do that, you probably won't enjoy it. But if you are like this, you are just plain lazy.

I feel confident in giving this 5 out of 5 stars and would suggest it to anyone who likes gangster/action movies.

REVIEW: Kibakichi (Haraguchi, 2004)

What would happen if you took Toshiro Mifune’s Yojimbo, crossed him with Lon Chaney Jr’s Wolf Man, and put him in a small, Japanese village filled with flesh-eating demons and women who transform into giant spiders? You'd get Kibakichi, a strange and very enjoyable film directed by Tomoo Haraguchi.

The movie is prefaced with a quick back story about the Yokai, a race of monstrous spirits that live among the humans. The humans begin to lose their fear of these spirits and they start slaughtering them, forcing the Yokai to go into hiding disguised as humans. Flash forward to our anti-hero Kibakichi, a lone swordsman with an unknown past travelling the countryside. He also happens to be a werewolf. He arrives at a strange town inhabited by his supernatural kinsmen. The yokai have an agreement with the local yakuza clan: kill the yakuza’s enemies and they will be provided with a safe a peaceful place to live free of scrutiny. However, the yakuza have other plans for the yokai after they acquire a secret weapon.

There is some excellent action here, especially in the opening scene. Kibakichi would rival Ryunosuke Tsukue of Sword of Doom in fighting ability. There is also plenty of ridiculous spurting blood that makes for a great, fun movie. The depiction of some of the Yokai is really well done. There are three scenes in particular that stand out. A group of geisha women transform themselves into spiders to kill some unsuspecting casino patrons. Also, another gambler is pushed into a skeleton-filled room and is attacked by flying skeleton monsters, a scene that tip-toes on the edge of actually being scary. And, of course, the most memorable yokai in the whole movie are the Kopa, small river creatures that look like Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle rejects. The first half of the film primarily deals with character development and actually does a pretty good job with it. We get a look into Kibakichi’s past and get to know the townspeople well enough that you feel sympathy for their plight. The last half hour or so is just so ludicrous in terms of action; I found myself shaking my head and laughing quite a bit. This movie rivals some serious 80s action flicks with the amount of slow motion explosions it has. I would say the movie is worth watching just for the final action sequence alone.

I hate to nitpick on a film like this, because it is the kind of film that you should just sit back and enjoy. There is definitely no analysis involved. But there were a few things that I found somewhat annoying. First are the villains, who are inexplicably dressed like Neo in The Matrix. Their ace in the hole is the acquisition of some serious firepower, including grenades and some guns that I never knew existed. Based on the time period of the film, I doubt that these kinds of weapons would be available to them (yes, the irony of critiquing the historical accuracy of a film that focuses on demons is not lost on me). Not only that, I think the inclusion of the guns deprives us from more awesome sword fights which would make the film much better. My other gripe is with the depiction of the monsters. I imagined they would have fantastical superpowers that would make them a formidable force against any enemy. However, the yakuza totally make them their bitches. You’d think these huge monsters would have a fighting chance against puny humans. Oh, and they also put a sound effect behind EVERYTHING, including people chewing or drinking, which is very Mighty Morphin Power Rangers-esque. I was not distracted by it as I felt it added a lot to the overall cheese factor of the movie, but I can see it annoying some people.

I can’t hold any of these issues against the movie because it is incredibly fun to watch. If you like movies that are full of cheese and sweet action, then this is definitely for you. I’d give it a solid 4 out 5 stars.

Spooky, Scary!: My Favorite Ghost Films

Guess what ghouls! Halloween is right around the corner. A magical season, when we gorge ourselves on candy and delight in being scared. It is also prime time for horror movies and as an avid horror fan, I relish the opportunity to revisit all my favorites. Today, I am going to take a look at my top 10 favorite ghost films. Ghost stories are as old as the hills, or at least as old as campfires and s'mores, and they lend themselves perfectly to cinema. They tickle our fascination with the supernatural and make us wary of cemeteries and dark basements. I am going to keep this list strictly to horror, leaving out films like Ghostbusters and The Frighteners, whose ultimate goal is to make you laugh (even though these movies are great in their own right). So, without further aBOO (PUN), here they be:

10. The Entity (1981) - dir. Sidney J. Furie
This is one of those countless movies that starts off saying it is based on a true story. Being about ghosts, you know it is based on the "true" story of a crackpot lady who believes in ghosts. It is a rather simple plot: a woman is being tormented by a ghost. And by tormented, I mean RAPED. Yes, this ghost is a sexual deviant. And he picked a pretty nice target in Barbara Hershey. The attack scenes are pretty intense, and Hershey acts the shit out of them. After several attacks, she goes to a series of unhelpful professionals until finally seeking out paranormal pros. The scenes involving the ghost are actually pretty intense and the ghost is very violent, a change from how they normally are shown.

9. Poltergeist (1982) - dir. Tobe Hooper
It says it is directed by Hooper, but this is a Spielberg film through and through (Spielberg wrote and produced it). The film could easily take place in the same town where E.T. did, which would make it certainly a scary place to live. I don't care how cute E.T. was, the prospect of aliens is fucking scary, and if there is one, there are a million. Anywhoozle, Poltergeist sports some top-notch special effects that make for some legitimately scary sequences. But even more creepy than all the ghosts and paranormal activity are two of the human actors: Carol Anne (Heather O'Rourke) and Tangina (Zelda Rubinstein). O'Rourke had the freakiest and most memorable line in the whole movie and Rubinstein is just creepy looking (dwarves scare me). It is a bit cartoonish at times, but still very effective.

8. Session 9 (2001) - dir. Brad Anderson
What is scarier than an abandoned psychiatric hospital? How about a HAUNTED psychiatric hospital!?!!? Well, possibly haunted. I think this may be disputed, but I will buy the fact that it is just to include it on this list, because it is really great. This film is all about atmosphere. You feel that any moment, something absolutely crazy is going to happen and when it finally does, hold onto your butts. Basic plot: a group of slightly dysfunctional workers are hired to remove the asbestos from the abandoned hospital. Things pretty much immediately start getting weird as they find boxes of "evidence" and strange therapy session tapes of a super looney. Each of the men becomes increasingly effected and paranoid about the whole place, leading up to a huge revelation that I will not share with you to avoid spoiling anything. The presence of ghosts is somewhat ambiguous, but they definitely can make sense in some readings of the film.

7. The Changeling (1980) - dir. Peter Medak
This is the kind of movie where, even though you know what is coming, it will still scare the pants AND socks off of you. I've seen it a bunch, and there are still points that give me chills. This stars George C. Scott and he turns in an awesome role (for other great Scott roles, see Dr. Strangelove and The Exorcist III, which will surprise you). He is a professor who experiences a terrible tragedy when both his daugher and wife are killed in an accident. Still grieving, he accepts a new teaching position and moves into the creepiest house in the whole entire town. Of course, nothing could possibly go wrong in this giant, cobweb-covered mansion! So things start going to shit and Scott has to uncover the truth of what actually happened in this house. There are some serious scares here that will be effective every time you see it.

6. A Tale of Two Sisters (2003) - dir. Ji-woon Kim
There has been a huge influx of J/K/C-horror films (and their compulsory American remakes) in the past 10 years. For my money, this one is the best. There are so many twists in this film, it is sometimes hard to realize what is actually happening; it definitely requires more than one viewing. The basic framework is as follows: two sisters are trying to deal with living with their new stepmother after the very recent death of their mother. The sisters rely on each other quite a bit for support, and they both have some serious emotional problems. But that is about all I can divulge because the story takes one wild turn after another. This is a creepy ghost story, but also is an excellent example of effective storytelling.

5. The Fog (1980) - dir. John Carpenter
This movie is always overshadowed by Carpenter's other masterpieces The Thing and Halloween. It is easily as good as both of them and it is criminally underrated. The film takes place in a small Northern California town on the eve of its centennial celebration. A mysterious glowing fog decsends on the town, and some really weird shit starts going down. As the film progresses, we learn that in the town's history, a group of lepers were shipwrecked by some plunderers. Now, the ghosts of the lepers have returned to seek their lepery vengeance!! This movie oozes atmosphere and it has the the scariest fog ever recorded on tv film. If you are fan of Halloween an Carpenter, you should most definitely see this (in fact, if you call yourself a "fan" of Carpenter and you haven't seen this movie, you aren't a real fan).

4. Carnival of Souls (1962) - dir. Herk Harvey
B-movie goodness. I read that this was made for $33,000 and you would never even know it from watching (ok, you might). It is really very effective for how cheap it was made. A woman mysteriously survives a car accident where the other two passengers perish. The event leaves her a cold and emotionless person. After accepting a new job, she starts seeing visions of a ghoulish figure and becomes strangely attracted to an abandoned pavilion at an amusement park. She soon descends into madness as she continues to be harassed by these haunting visions. This is an incredibly eerie film and the soundtrack matches the action perfectly (it is entirely organ music, appropriate since the lead is an organist). The film is a great mix of cheesiness and artiness.
3. Kwaidan (1964) - dir. Masaki Kobayashi
This is the most beautifully shot film on the list. Not only is this one of my favorite ghost movies of all time, I think it is in serious contention as the best anthology horror film of all time (think Creepshow or Black Sabath). The film collects four traditional Japanese ghost stories, each one of them contributing equally to the entire film. There is one stand out story though: Hoichi the Earless, which is about a blind musician who summons the ghosts of the ancient imperial court with his songs. The film is just stunning to look at and it is a true example of the art of cinema. Imagine what it would look like if something like Van Gogh's "Starry Night" were brought alive on screen; that is approximately how this film looks. A must watch for everyone. 2. The Haunting (1963) - dir. Robert Wise
Robert Wise might be one of the most underrated American directors to ever live. A lot of people remember him for his two musical powerhouses, The Sound of Music and West Side Story. But before both of these, he got his start in horror and science fiction, with two Lewton-era RKO releases with Curse of the Cat People and The Body Snatcher and the science fiction classic The Day the Earth Stood Still. The Haunting came out between the musicals and you can really see how he has grown as a director. You will not find better character development in any movie on this list than you will in The Haunting. You get a very distinct sense for each character in this film, their background, their desires, their secrets. All of this development is punctuated by some of the simplest yet most potent haunt effects ever caught on screen. That Wise could create such a chilling film while also making classic musical favorites is just a tribute to his range as a director. This film is a must watch for any fan of cinema, not just the horror fan.

1. The Shining (1980) - dir. Stanley Kubrick
I think a lot of people forget that this is a ghost movie. People have become more focused on Nicholson's performance which, for my money, is the best of his career. I can't remember where, but I once heard someone comment how the Overlook Hotel is really a part of the cast of this film. The secrets that it holds take on a life of their own and are equally important as the human performances. I really cannot find fault in this movie and I can firmly place it in my top 5 favorite horror films, perhaps even my favorite horror of all time. I've read some criticism about Shelley Duvall in this movie and I don't see what the problem is. She is definitely a woman that I would want to kill if I was stranded alone in a hotel with her. The same goes for that snot nosed kid. I don't blame Jack at all in this one!! Anyway, I consider this (and probably all of Kubrick's films outside of Eyes Wide Shut) to be required viewing and I will loudly guffaw in your face if you haven't seen it.

There are several movies that I unfortunately had to leave off this list. Honorable mentions go to the following:
The Uninvited (1944)
Dead of Night (1945)
House on Haunted Hill (1959)
13 Ghosts (1960)
The Ring (2002)
Some others that I can't think of right now. I hope you take a look at the films from this list you have not seen. They all have my seal of approval. And if you don't like them, I hope you become tormented by some crazy pervert ghost that touches you in your sleep and turns your TV on in the middle of the night. TAKE THAT!

The Price is Right: The Fabulous Cinema of Vincent Price

Well, it looks as though this may turn into a movie blog. At first I thought it would be a robot blog, but since it is a newly developing field, there is so only so much that I can discuss (also due to my severely limited knowledge of the subject). But I spend most of my time watching movies, so I figure why not talk about them. So, without further ado...

Vincent Price. I think a lot of people disregard him as an actor due to the type of movies in which he usually starred: low budget horror and science fiction films. It's a shame, because I believe him to be one of the finest unknown American actors to ever live. He had an undeniable screen presence and probably the most unique voice in all of cinema. Here's my top 10 favorite Vincent Price movies (of the ones I've seen. I haven't made it through his entire filmography yet).

10. The Tingler (1959)
This movie is a perfect example of how an amazing actor can carry a terrible film. It isn't THAT bad, but it was filmed specifically for the theater and does not translate very well on the TV screen. Director William Castle was (in)famous for extending the film experience from the film into the audience, including shock gimmicks in the seats and tagging the film as being shot in "Screamarama." The basic premise is Price, as Dr. Warren Chapin, tries to find the source of fear in humans. He concludes, and successfully proves, that a living creature grows on your spine as you get scared, and it will kill you if you do not release the fear through screaming. So, he extracts one of these creatures (which looks like a rubber centipede), it gets loose, and starts wreaking havoc in a movie theater of all places. The whole film is contrived to create these Screamarama tricks. Still, Price manages to stand out amidst the absurd film. He exhibits fear beautifully, and delivers some just terrible dialogue and manages to make it believeable. I would love to time travel back to the original release and witness this in "Screamarama," it would probably be ten times better.


9. Tales of Terror (1962)
This is the first Vincent Price/Roger Corman team-up on the list (but not the last). Price really gained fame from these low-budget, gothic horrors directed by Roger Corman. This film is a trilogy of shock and horror (per the dvd box) that also stars Peter Lorre and Basil Rathbone. He is paired up with these two amazing actors and manages to outshine both of them. Price really stretches his acting legs in this one, taking turns playing both comedic and serious roles, and playing both of them perfectly. In the second story he plays Fortunato, a professional wine taster who is challenged by the local drunk (Peter Lorre) to a competitive tasting, an exciting event that I never knew existed. Price is genuinely funny in this, as opposed to a rather absurd turn by Lorre. This is worth watching just for the second story, but it is bookended by two solid horror tales that show just how versatile Price can be.

8. Laura (1944)
This is not the typical role for Price. Here he is in a supporting role in a film noir. Price naturally fits into the noir prototype: smooth-talking ladies' man with an aura of mystery around him. Again, he is paired up with two more great actors in Gene Tierney and Dana Andrews and manages to shine. He brings excellent depth and range to his performance and almost steals the show from the leading actors. His performance adds to what is probably the best movie that he has been in (of the ones that I have seen at least). Overall, it is a fantastic entry into the film noir catalogue, filled with mystery and keeps the viewer guessing all the way to the end. If you are new to Vincent Price the actor, this is probably the best place to start; you get a great idea of his abilities and also get a very accessible film.

7. Theater of Blood (1973)
One could criticize this Price role for being too over the top, but that is what I love about it. First of all, he is playing a deranged Shakespearean actor who is exacting revenge on his critics. If that person actually existed, they would be the biggest ham in the world. Second, his acting style fully complements the outrageous acting and plot that makes up his world. The entire film plays out as a Shakespeare play AND it is about Shakespeare. CRAZY!!!!!! This is one of the few Price films that uses excessive blood and gore. His character Edward Lionheart sets up these elaborate death scenes for his critics and the film becomes a great stage for these set pieces. Also, the film has the greatest sword fight ever captured on TV film. Erroll Flynn be damned!!

6. House of Wax (1953)
This is the movie that made wax museums an unsettling place to be (forget the 2005 remake, that shit is weak yo!). Price plays Professor Henry Jarrod, a brilliant sculptor and artist but he is a little strange. He talks to his figures as if they were alive, and I reckon that he fondles some of them off screen. His partner burns his work to the ground and in the process horribly disfigures the Professor. He also apparently burns his last shreds of sanity away, resulting in a murderous rampage in order to recreate his art. He takes corpses, ya see, and throws a bunch of wax on them and calls them statues, which I consider cheating. Anyhow, Price turns another great madman seeking revenge performance, and his make-up is really well done. The big reveal scene in the film is quite shocking (I think it made some list for one of the scariest movie moments ever). The remake can't say that, can it?!?!?! After watching this movie, you probably won't want to be near anywhere near Madame Tussaud's anytime soon.

5. The Pit and the Pendulum (1961)
This is another Price/Corman team-up. It is also another movie based on the stories of Edgar Allen Poe for which Price has become famous (although this is less about the pendulum story and more about another Poe story called 'The Premature Burial'). Price plays Nicholas Medina, the descendent of an infamous torturer during the Spanish Inquisition, who is mourning the loss of his wife. He lives in the house where his father performed these atrocious crimes and still feels the guilt of his father's actions. Here we get two different characters from Price. The first is a pathetic, sorrowful man who is being taken advantage of by the people who are closest to him. The second is a deranged lunatic who uses the torture devices, most notably the pendulum and an iron maiden, to exact his revenge. This is one of the best portrayals of a descent into madness I have ever seen.
4. The House on Haunted Hill (1959)
This is probably Price's most famous role. He plays a millionaire who invites several guests to his supposedly haunted mansion. He offers $10,000 dollars (HOLY SHIT!!) to any of them who can stay the night. It is also a party for his fourth wife; the other three all died mysteriously. There is an air of mystery around Price's character Frederick Loren and no one is sure if they can trust him. This is one of the best haunted house films out there. There is an eerie, disturbing atmosphere from the onset when the guests each pull up to the house chauffered by hearses. This is another William Castle production, but it is much more watchable than The Tingler because it is self-contained on the screen and doesn't rely on off-screen shenanigans. This is the movie that made me fall in love with Vincent Price (as an actor, not sexually).
3. Masque of Red Death (1964)
Yet another Price/Corman production. I almost feel lame putting this many Corman films on this list, but they are really some of Price's best works. Think Herzog/Kinski or Kurosawa/Mifune, except in the small, B-movie horror genre. Epic teams that produce fantastic work. Here, Price is Prince Prospero (ALLITERATION!) and he is 100% pure evil. How evil you ask? Well, I'll tell you. Evil enough to turn his house into a giant church to Satan! Evil enough to force his house guests to perform all sorts degrading behavior for his own amusement! Evil enough to kill the last living members of the local town who have come to his castle for sanctuary from the Red Death with a CROSSBOW! Evil enough to eat a whole nursery of babies! (this last part doesn't happen in the film, but I speculate that Prospero certainly could do this). There is a point in this movie that I literally was yelling death threats at the screen because Prince Price the Prick was being such an asshole. If only every actor could ilicit such a reaction from their performance.
2. Witchfinder General (1968)
This movie is AKAed as "Conquerer Worm," which I think is a much more badass title. Price plays Matthew Hopkins and he truly is the conquerer of worms. And by worms, I mean those lousy, stinking peasants. Hopkins is a reknowned witch hunter who rides about the country passing his judgement on many wenches as the rest of the country is torn by civil war. We again find Price playing a truly evil character. He knows full well that he is falsely accusing people and putting them to death (there is a particularly harrowing scene at the onset of the film where a woman is burned at the stake), but he is just trying to get paid, like a rapper. He also enlists a sadistic henchman who rivals Hopkins in evilness. Spoiler alert: Price dies in the end, and it is one of the most fantastic death scenes ever.

1. The Abonimable Dr. Phibes (1971)
Hands down, this is my favorite Vincet Price movie and his best role. The plot is very similar to Throne of Blood, but it is executed much better. Price plays the eponymous Dr. Anton Phibes, an organist and scholar who was killed in a car crash while racing to his sick wife's side. OR WAS HE!?!?!?!? (hint: he wasn't). Soon, a string of elaborate murders takes place all based on the 10 biblical plagues. All of the victims happen to be doctors that unsuccessfully performed surgery on his ailing wife, resulting in her death. Coincidence?? (hint: NO). It soon becomes a race against the clock as a detective and the last surviving doctor try to put a stop to Phibes' madness. Everything about this movie is so wonderfully done: the ham-fisted acting, the sets, the death scenes, the makeup (Phibes is horribly disfigured in his crash and has to speak through a voicebox). All of this is held together by Price's brilliant performance, a manic organist that would make the Phantom of the Opera shit in his pants. All of the movies I've listed are essential Price viewing material, but this should be at the top of everyone's list with a bullet. A DEATH BULLET!

There you have it. This list is by no means exhaustive. Vincent Price has a huge body of work (that I hope to complete soon) and not all of it is horror. But really, his bread and butter are the classic horror films in which he starred in the 50s-70s. I hope that something on this list inspires you (read: any person who foolishly stumbles on this mediocre blog) to examine more closely this master of the macabre. BOO!

Strange Cinema - Movies that Make you say, "WTF, yo?!?!?"

In my previous post I mentioned the strangest movie I have seen in the past six months. Oddly enough, it is not the strangest movie I have seen in my life. I am rather fond of films that make me scratch my head, that throw typical story conventions out the window, and that extend the limits of the cinematic art form outside the standard Hollywood movie. Not to detract anything from your normal film fare, but there are only so many Scorsese movies I can watch, ya dig? It gets BORING! So, here are the top 10 Strangest Films I have seen in my life, and it is about as accurate as possible. I present it in alphabetical list, because I don't play favorites.

1. Brazil (1985) - dir. Terry Gilliam.
I always have a rough time coming up with my top 10 favorite films. There are a few that I constantly name and others that sort of cycle in and out. I can comfortably call this one of my 10 favorite movies of all time. From the brilliant mind of Terry Gilliam who, for my money, is a modern visionary on the level of a Bergman or Fellini. This is hands down his best work, and if you question me I WILL SLAY YOU. This movie is a visual masterpiece. Gilliam creates a world with such care and detail that it may as well be a real place, alive and breathing somewhere in America (or England, or any other capitalistic-driven country). Not only does the movie deliver on a visual level, there are so many intricate meanings and lessons you can derive from the plot, from descrying the atrocious behavior of material-driven assholes, to simply proclaiming the overall need to follow your dreams. You could watch the film 50 times and glean a new message each time. All of it is wrapped neatly in this absurd, Python-esque, humor that is just enough to keep you from pulling your hair out because of the insane society in which the movie takes place. I believe this should be required viewing for everyone who considers themselves movie connoiseurs.


2. El Topo (1970) - dir. Alejandro Jodorowsky
Jodorowsky is a freak. Equal parts spiritual journey and western bloodbath, we follow the story of a cowboy clad in black and his young son, clad in absolutely nothing. The plot is rather hard to follow because of the insane amounts of symbolism and imagery. Some of the things on the screen just completly defy any explanation. Jodorowsky also has a fascination with little people/people with deformities, and there are a slew of them present (one that stands out it the legless midget who is riding an armless man). There's a whole mess of blood and violence here, but if you are just interested in senseless action, you should stay far, far away from this. Jodorowsky adds so many surreal images, the viewer could spend years analyzing them and still not fully understand their meaning. If there is anything that sums this movie best it is this: John Lennon often said El Topo was his favorite movie. Yes, the acid-taking, hippy-loving Beatle.

3. Eraserhead (1977) - dir. David Lynch
Lynch is the epitome of strange cinema in America. Each of his films tiptoes on the edge of absolute insanity. This is his first full length film, and without a doubt his strangest. The film opens with a man pulling levers while looking out the window at a weird worm-creature. So, starts off with a giant WTF. The main character, Henry Spencer, knocks his girlfriend up and she gives birth to a bizarrely deformed baby that looks something like a limbless calf fetus. Intertwined with this 'real-life' story are Henry's bizarre dreams and hallucinations, including his head coming off and finding a woman living in his radiator. The series of images, leading to the climax, are almost too overwhelming to understand. But this is certainly a movie that will stay with you long after you see it. Interesting point: Stanley Kubrick loved this film, and before he started filming The Shining, he showed this to the cast to convey the atmosphere he was going for (I wonder if he also showed it to that creepizoid kid Danny?)

4. Fantastic Planet (1973) - Rene Laloux
It is often easier to create bizarre and beautiful images when you are working with animation. Not that I am speaking out of experience, because I have not an artistic bone in my body, but if you can't create it physically, you could certainly draw it. However, there is a big difference between drawing a house with a family in it, and a giant flying hose beast that attacks tiny humans who are oppressed by giant aliens. That's what you get in Fantastic Planet. The imagination it would take to create the world of this film requires either some sort of psychosis or a huge pile of drugs. Basic plot: tiny little humans (Oms) live on a planet that is ruled by giant weird aliens (Draags) and they struggle to survive and maintain their culture. You get this story of oppressive regimes backdropped on this absolutely surrealistic world that most drug addicts couldn't even think up. Great story and visuals here, highly recommended.


5. The Holy Mountain (1973) - dir. Alejandro Jodorowsky
Another Jodorowsky film. I know at the top I said I wouldn't play favorites and pick the "strangest" film on this list. But this movie is the strangest movie I have ever seen in my life. If you think El Topo is weird, this will knock your respective dicks and vaginas in the dirt. Jodorowsky and the actors were literally tripping balls when they made this; they ate hallucinogenic mushrooms and LSD during production and some of the scenes. I'll provide a brief plot synopsis because I am still not really sure what happens. A thief, while begging for money (with a deformed little person, no less), encounters an alchemist who lives at the top of a very high tower. He is then introduced to seven very powerful people and they all decide to go search for immortality. They go to this island looking for the secret, and then... I don't even know. There are parts of this film that will make your head explode with craziness (see: Jenkem). But in the end, you will not be able to stop thinking about this movie.

6. Otesanek aka Little Otik (2000) - Jan Svankmajer
When one normally thinks of stop-motion animation, Ray Harryhausen and Wallace and Gromit are the first things to come to mind. Harryhausen is an icon who created all the fantastic animation in movies like Jason and the Argonauts, Clash of the Titans, and a slew of others. Imagine Harryhausen's talent put into the brain of a twisted, disgusting pervert. That is Jan Svankmajer. He creates visceral, bizarre stop motion animation that often involves uncooked meat surprisingly. Otesanek is a rather tame entry by his standards (seek out some of his shorts if you want the really strange stuff), but it still blows most movies out of the water in the strange department. A couple can't have a child, so the husband makes a baby for his wife out of a tree stump. The wife, who is bat-shit crazy, starts treating the doll as a real baby. Soon, the baby actually does become real and develops a taste for BLOOD. Hilarity ensues. The beauty about Svankmajer is he tells an excellent story. He doesn't let his ingenius animation drive the film even though it is a big part of the movie. Great plot+great visuals=great movie. Watch this first and then search out his other films.

7. Naked Lunch (1991) - dir. David Cronenberg
Cronenberg is well known for two different types of films. He pioneered the "physical horror" genre with films like Videodrome, The Fly, and Dead Ringers. More recently, he has gained attention from his serious dramatic efforts A History of Violence and Eastern Promises. Naked Lunch doesn't really fall into either category. Working with source material which was called "unfilmable" (and the strangest book I've ever encountered), Cronenberg achieves the impossible. We get a guy who is addicted to bug powder whose typewriter comes to life as a giant bug that tells him to kill his wife because she is a secret agent of the Interzone. Follow that? In the Interzone he writes a report about his mission while descending further and further into drug abuse and madness. This is a very accessible movie, similar to Brazil, but maintains its strange atmosphere throughout. Cronenberg is my favorite director of all time (possibly tied with Gilliam), and this is an excellent entry in his catalog.

8. Tetsuo: The Iron Man (1989) - Shinya Tsukamoto
Those Japanese sure are crazy!!! Black & white cyberpunk goodness. The film opens with a scene that is vomit worthy; I cringed for ten minutes when it came on. We see a man who is haunted by a mechanical ghost and his body starts to transform into a giant pile of metal. He kills his girlfriend with his giant metal drill penis. Yep. There are some stylized chase scenes and a crazy fight at the end with the machine-ghost. It's all jammed into 70 minutes of head shaking craziness. It actually mixes some of the most eccentric parts of David Lynch and David Cronenberg into a successfully strange film. There is also a sequel that I have been dying to see. If it is anything like this, it should be a delightfully good time.
9. Valerie and Her Week of Wonders (1970) - dir. Jaromil Jires
I'd really like all the Twilight freaks that are running around to watch this movie. I am pretty sure it would make most of them cry. Talk about a different view on vampires!! A 13 year-old girl is experiencing a sexual awakening and also being stalked by vampires. I guess her newly-discovered menstrual cycle is getting them all hot and bothered. The story is very non-linear, often floating between the real world and dream world; this makes the plot rather hard to follow. We get some morally reprehensible behavior which includes, but is not limited to, attempted rape, pedophilia, and suicide. I'd liken the film to another young girl finds sex/vampire movie called Lemora: A Child's Tale of the Supernatural (which was banned by the Vatican!), but if you cranked up the weird factor by 10. I'd suggest you shouldn't watch this if you just think Robert Pattison is like, so totally buff and hot and the coolest vampire fo' sho'.


10. Un Chien Andalou (1929) - Luis Buñel
I debated putting this on the list because it is only 16 minutes long. But not only is it strange and surreal, it is also a ground-breaking piece of work from cinema's early period. Imagine a Salvador Dali painting in the form of a short film. That is exactly what this movie is. Dali wrote and produced the film along with Buñel, who would go on to have a very successful career as a filmmaker (and I unfortunately have seen none of his other work, but a lot are on my "to see" list). This film has no plot that I can distinguish. It seems to be more of a free association of images, of which the most famous is a woman having her eye cut open with a straight razor. It seems that Dali just wrote down a dream that he had and they said, "hey, let's film this." This movie is really the first of its kind and helped lay the groundwork for even more strange, avant-garde cinema that came after it.


Looking back on this obscene post makes me wish I could write more intelligently about films. I feel like most of the synopses were just reduced to me saying, "This tv film looks purdy." I guess the main point I am trying to get at here is to try something new. Step outside of your normal comfort zone when it comes to movies, music, or any kind of art. You can easily get into a pattern of watching the same thing over and over again, and what do you learn from that? Expand your horizons, you may find something that you really, truly love.

Mid-year movie breakdown

I watch a lot of movies but I don't actually go to the movies. The wonderful invention known as Netflix has taken over my life. In fact, my internet browser opens up to the wonderous website every day. I must need movies!! (my need for movies supersedes my need for proper English and sentence structure. Yes, it is serious). I keep track of every movie that I watch in a long, obsessive compulsive list. As we have reached the halfway mark of '09, I will share some interesting tidbits about said list. Here we go:

The list consists of 176 titles.
The month I watched the most movies in was January with an astonishing 42 titles.
The month I watched the least movies in was June with only 16 titles.

Breakdown by decade:
1910-1919: 0
1920-1929: 4
1930-1939: 4
1940-1949: 15
1950-1959: 21
1960-1969: 29
1970-1979: 47
1980-1989: 14
1990-1999: 9
2000-2009: 33

Breakdown by genre (try to keep it as basic as possible):
Action: 28
Comedy: 15
Documentary: 6
Drama: 40
Horror: 35
Mystery/Thriller: 17
Science Fiction: 28
Western: 7

68 of the movies were made outside the United States.
16 of the movies have won an Academy Award.
27 of the movies have had Criterion releases.

The actor most represented on the list is Toshiro Mifune with 5 appearances. Tied for second place is William Holden and Vincent Price with 4 appearances each. (I had to stop figuring this out because it was driving me crazy, but I am pretty sure it is right).

The strangest movie on the list, for my money, is Valerie and her Week of Wonders. Made by a crazy Czech guy named Jaromil Jires in 1970.

This list, and all this info, is the clearest indication that I have absolutely no fucking life. I plan on continuing this trend throughout the year though. I want to see how many movies I can cram into a year. Stay tuned for December when I will present an end-of-year Movie Mash-up, compiling all the movies for '09 for your reading pleasure. I know you are just as excited as I am.

Happy movie watching!!!

Categorized Fear

Here's a fun website: The Phobia List!

Mental scientists feel the need to name every little particular fear or anxiety. You feel anxious about one tiny thing, tell this egghead who you pay $100 a minute to listen to you whine, and BAM! you have a disease which now allows you to be prescribed drugs. Glorious, glorious drugs! Now, there are people out there who have legitimate paralyzing fears. But what science has done, by categorizing all these fears, lets people who aren't very sick to exploit the system. "I'm afraid of cheese because my mom didn't love me enough!" Here, have some Prozac.

So, I've gone through the list and actually picked one from each letter. FEAR A-Z!! At some point in my life, I've had these:

Automatonophobia - fear of anything that falsely represents a sentient being.
How appropriate for this list!! I mostly fear the POTENTIAL that a robot could have. Such overwhelming power at their fingertips is quite terrifying. And if I've learned anything from the countless science fiction movies/novels I've taken in, one small glitch and it's all over for humanity.

Bogeyphobia - fear of bogeys or bogeymen.
Seriously, what kid wasn't afraid of the bogeyman. If you say you weren't then you are fucking lying. It's pretty much a natural thing for a kid; it's part of growing up. Also, I don't know if bogeys here means boogers or snot. Either or though, I don't want any of that shit on me.

Cypridophobia - fear of prostitutes.
Really, it's not what's on the outside that counts, it's what's on the inside. A lady of the evening could be the prettiest girl you ever did lay your eyes on, but her insides could look like the frog you dissected in Biology class. I get chills just thinking about it.

Dementophobia - fear of insanity.
I'm not necessarily afraid of insane people. I think they can sometimes be funny, especially when they are raving or when they have shit their pants. I was always more afraid of losing my own sanity. But, seeing as I have already become a deranged lunatic, I think I can cross this one off the list.

Enochlophobia - fear of crowds.
A great deal of this fear revolves around the utter stupidity people can exhibit when part of a crowd. Once that mob mentality takes over, I want to be as far away from them as possible. Plus, people in general piss me off, so A LOT of people all congregating in one place makes me want to seal myself in a portable toilet.

Francophobia - fear of France or French culture.
A lot of people don't know this, but most French women don't have vaginas. They actually have another mouth between their legs. A mouth filled with razor sharp teeth. Truly frightening.

Gelotophobia - fear of being laughed at.
I didn't think this was so bad until I saw the movie Carrie. For those of you who haven't, Carrie's mother famously warns her daughter that all the students at the prom are going to laugh at her (presumably because of her 'dirty pillows'). She makes a very convincing argument.

Hippopotomonstrosesquipedaliophobia - fear of long words.
The most ironic of all the fears. It took me two days to write this word. Each letter got progressively scarier.

Iatrophobia - fear of going to the doctors or doctors in general.
I am not so much afraid of going to the doctors as I am afraid of having my balls touched in a clinical manner. It's just so cold and unfriendly.

Japanophobia - fear of Japanese.
Mainly Godzilla. And Rodan.

Kynophobia - fear of stooping.
I usually go right from standing to kneeling. No in between for me please.

Leprophobia - fear of leprosy.
Specifically people with leprosy. I'm not so much afraid of the actual disease though. Lepers are the closest thing to zombies the world has seen.

Menophobia - fear of menstruation.
It attracts bears.

Neophobia - fear of anything new.
I only listen to a grammaphone and watch movies made pre-1910. I also have only ever owned one pair of shoes.

Ophidiophobia - fear of snakes.
According to my religion, snakes are Satan's pets. My religion also states that hats of any kind are meant only for prostitutes and that you can only sit in a chair if you are wearing three or more pairs of socks.

Phobophobia - fear of phobias.
Seriously?? This can't be a real thing. It's like some insane paradox that causes your brain to eat itself.

Quintoculophobia - fear of things with five or more eyes.
I had to make this one up because there are no 'Q' phobias. I'm talking mainly about mythical beasts like Argus, the 100-eyed watchman of Io in Greek mythology. If I encountered anything with five eyes, my instincts would be to run or to murder its face.

Radiophobia - fear of radiation/x-rays.
This shit will give you cancer. FACT. Also, radiation turned tons of harmless laboratory pets into giant city-eating monsters. The last thing I or anyone else needs right now is a fifty foot guinea pig that breathes fire.

Scabiophobia - fear of scabies.
I don't know what scabies are. But I am absolutely terrified of the unknown. I am afraid of what this phobia represents.

Tachophobia - fear of speed.
I have never once felt the need for speed. I don't want to be involved with the drug speed. I have a natural aversion to Keanu Reeves and Sandra Bullock.

Urophobia - fear of urine or urinating.
I don't want to be peed on ever by either myself or another person. The act of peeing into a cup gives me tingles in my spine. The bad kind of tingles.

Venustraphobia - fear of beautiful women.
The most beautiful of women will rip your heart out through your ass and then cook it and force you to eat it. Then she will take your genitals and shove a barbed metal rod down your pee hole. Then as you lay there dying, she will take a shit on you and wipe her ass with your face. You won't even find this stuff in the scariest of horror films.

Walloonphobia - fear of the Walloons.
Well, it was either this or fear of witchcraft. I haven't the slightest idea what a walloon is, let alone why it should be capitalized.

Xenophobia - fear of foreigners.
Lousy, French, cheese-eating, surrender monkeys!

Yambonophobia - fear of starting something that you have no intention of finishing.
I had to make this one up because there are no 'Y' entries. I realize now that this was a terrible idea and hate myself for actually finishing it.

Zemmiphobia - fear of the great mole rat.
Based in my fear of oxymorons.

Ugh, that was terribly boring for me, and probably for you. The point is, I am marginalizing these silly fears because you should just grow up and get a life. END.

I'm A Well-Cultured Human

We here at The Robot's Mustache (by we, I mean me, and by The Robot's Mustache, I mean the middle bedroom in my parents' suburban home) enjoy the visual arts. And if those visual arts happen to involve robots, well they are the best of all possible arts. I present to you Eric Joyner, robot artist extraordinaire! Here are some of his works:

He also has a book! BUY NOW!!
He also has a website! VISIT NOW!!

I find his work very, very enjoyable. Also a great insight into what it will look when robots and humans (and donuts) live together.

Why I Want to Vomit When I Watch the Movie Polar Express

Oh, yes! The delightful holiday movie Polar Express! A movie that reminds us of our younger years, when we irrationally believed in an overweight pervert who sneaks into homes and leaves us presents but steals the remote control and then your dad blames you for it being gone after he's had a bit too much eggnog and his favorite local sports team lost the big game. Simpler times, when you could sit back, put your feet up, bask in the warm glow of a fire, and be content with life.

WRONG.

Polar Express is a movie that is so repulsive, I have to leave any room in which it is on or I will start projectile vomiting all over the drapes. It's not due to the subject matter. I have very fond memories of the Christmases of my youth. My family didn't bask in any fires (except for the great tree fires of '87, '92, and '96), but we were able to not strangle each other for about a week and remember that it would not be a good idea to kill one another. After that week, it was promptly back to the strangling.

No, The Polar Express movie, or should I say, vomit party, is so very disgusting because of a little robotic theory called "The Uncanny Valley." I will present to you this graph to make myself look smart: The basic premise is as follows: as something becomes more and more like a human, the natural emotional response is to empathize with said thing. Example: a bear in a top hat. A-DOR-ABLE!!! You see, it's a bear but it is wearing HUMAN clothes!! How cute! The more a bear starts acting like a human, the more we will enjoy it's crazy, picnic basket-stealing antics. However, there is a point where the bear becomes so close to being human, almost indistinguishable, that the minor imperfections that are present make us want to either rise up and slay the bear, or eat our own eyeballs in disgust. This phenomena is called the Uncanny Valley (the point where the graph dips to its lowest point).

You are thinking, "When will a bear ever become so much like a human in real life?" And I would say out loud to this thought, "You are right, I am an idiot for using a bear as an example. Allow me to rectify this by continuing with a better scenario." Then you think to yourself, "How in the world did this crazy know what I was thinking?!??!?" And then I say, "Because I can read your mind a-hole. You shouldn't say bad things about a crazy telepath, it will only lead to trouble. FOR YOU." And then you sit quietly with your hands folded in your lap, prepared to listen further.

The Uncanny Valley really comes into play when we are dealing with humanoid figures, particularly robots, or in the case of the cinematic abortion Polar Express, realistic 3D computer animation. Let's reference the graph to understand this better.

1. Far left, Industrial Robot: perhaps something you would see in a car factory. It has movable joints, grabbers that might resemble hands, and it can do work a human used to do, but was fired because he was too inefficient. Familiarity and likeness, close to zero.

2. Middle, humanoid robot: as we slide up the graph, the robots become more human in shape and appearance. Arms and legs, torso, head. They can speak and walk like humans, but clearly still not alive. Imagine C-3PO from Star Wars or Robbie from Forbidden Planet or that nice servant robot from The Jetsons. They all have weaseled their robot asses into pop culture as fun characters that we cherish. We empathize with them.

3. The high point: This is the closest something can get to resembling a human before the roller coaster of death. We can still distinguish the robot as non-human, but it is a damn fine replica.

4. The Uncanny Valley, zombie: KILL IT!!!! KILL IT WITH FIRE!!!!!!!!!!

5. On the upswing, the Bunraku puppet: "What is a bunraku puppet?" you ask. Well, it's an evil Japanese puppet that will kill your family in their sleep if you don't shut your piehole.

6. The tippy-top, a healthy human: A robot at this point would be completely indistinguishable from you or I (except maybe you in the corner over there, you've got robotish features). Imagine Rutger Hauer running through town causing all sorts of robot havoc and no one knows he is a robot unless Harrison Ford gives him an emotional test.

I'd say Tom Hanks in Polar Express falls somewhere on the downslope towards the uncanny valley. Enough to make you puke your lunch or permanently blind yourself but not quite the level of the overwhelming fear and disgust you would get from seeing a zombie (I myself am impervious to the emotional effects of zombification because I am fully trained in zombie survival. I speak only of the reaction of the common folk).

So yes, The Polar Express animation is just way too creepy to be enjoyable and has probably ruined thousands of Christmases for thousands of little kids. But the really interesting part about the Uncanny Valley is how it will unfold through future robot development. Those crazy Japanese have already created a robot that is teaching in the classroom that looks way too human for my liking:
Meet Saya. Yuck.
What I am really interested in is the point in the future, where all robots are approaching the precipice of this Uncanny Valley. They are as close to it as you possibly can get and all it will take is one tiny tweak, one small development in their appearance and they will all plunge into the dark, expansive abyss. I look forward to that day, because it is my dream to see an entire country, NAY, the entire world, spontaneously vomit all over their drapes at home.

I predict it will happen right before the Zombocalypse. I hope to be alive to see both.




*DISCLAIMER: I am just a lunatic with a computer. I know nothing about the details of robotic study. Do not take any of this is science fact.*

The End of Days is Near

Here is an ominous little article:

http://www.fastcompany.com/blog/cliff-kuang/design-innovation/eatr-robot-thatll-forage-its-own-food

That's right people, flesh-eating robots. They have chainsaws on them fer Chrissakes!! Now, follow up that article with this one:

http://www.nytimes.com/2009/07/26/science/26robot.html?_r=1

Robots to soon outsmart men.

So now imagine this nightmare scenario:
We've got robots, equipped with chainsaws and an insatiable desire for organic material (read: human flesh), who have far surpassed their creators in intelligence and overall capabilities and have developed quite a nasty Frankenstein Complex. Now they can create more robots on their own, and the next thing we know, FUCKING ROBOT APOCALYPSE! You are asking yourself, "Hey, didn't I read a very similar story in Isaac Asimov's ground-breaking novel I, Robot?" Yes, oh kind and knowledgeable reader, you did. Specifically, in the story "The Evitable Conflict." For any reader who may be ignorant of this story, allow me to recap:

Robots experience a minor glitch in their functionality that causes them to slightly alter their interpretation of the First Law of Robotics. As a reminder, the laws of robotics are as follows:

1. A robot may not injure a human being or, through inaction, allow a human being to come to harm.
2. A robot must obey any orders given to it by human beings, except where such orders would conflict with the First Law.
3. A robot must protect its own existence as long as such protection does not conflict with the First or Second Laws.

Overall, the rules are in place to make sure any robots won't go apeshit and try to go on a killing spree, subjugating the entire human race. Well, these fancypants robots start glitching up a storm and come to the conclusion that the best way for them to protect humanity is to take absolute control. Well, the humans really fucked up on this one!! It is a perfect example of going too far with technology.

This science fiction now has the potential to become science fact. I just hope the robot wizards out there in Scienceland work out all the kinks and put the Laws in place before they unleash these inorganic bastards on the rest of the world. If Asimov has taught us anything, it's that one little glitch can cause a giant fuck bomb for the rest of us, and it won't be the kind of fuck bomb that happens in the bedroom and is fun and exciting for all participants. It will be the bad kind of fuck bomb where peoples' heads start becoming detached from their bodies.

Don't say you haven't been warned.